Arrival

Wednesday, November 10th

The day passed rather uneventfully. I attended the morning breath work session and then had tea with Maya and Aya.  I arrived back at eh ashram to find that Premal was in full swing as she prepared to return home to Brazil, having lived in India for more then fifteen years.  I spend as much time as I can with her as her departure is immanent, she leaves for Delhi on Friday.  She feels that I should live in Brazil and she is determined that I  should  come and explore the opportunities available for me.  I promise to keep in touch and to consider the possibly of making a trip there sometime in the coming year.  Just like me, almost everyone I have met here is at a crossroads and facing the challenge of re-defining their lives. 

In the afternoon I set off for the evening workshop session, but halfway there I turn back. I am physically exhausted from the earlier session, and I decide it would be better to rest.   When I arrive at the ashram, there is a courier waiting for me to sign for a package.  It is my bank card, at last!  I signed for the package and quickly tore open the envelope, to confirm that the card was enclosed. Once I held it in my hand, it was as if someone cut a restraining cord and I literally felt myself exhale.  I was finally free to plan the next leg of my trip.  And though it will be another week before I finally depart, I am left with a sense of being in the drivers seat.  It is an exhilarating feeling.   

On Thursday, I again went to the breath workshop and Hari and Yog took the three of us present through the exercises lengthening the sequence.   At the end of the session, as usual we laid down and I found myself crying. The tears came unbidden, at first slowly and then in great waves that wracked my body. Nobody approached me, they simply allowed me to release the bottled up emotions. It was only when I lay spent, that Yog kneeled beside me and gently stroked my face.  I hadn't anticipated this, though I knew it to be a part of the process.  I was filled with an overwhelming sadness that was pervasive and all consuming.  It held no particular association, and yet it contained a quality of expression that was hauntingly familiar.  Once I had recovered sufficiently, Hari sent me home to rest. I spent the remainder of the day wrapped in this cloak of sadness. Yet, I maintained a certain distance, as if observing it from afar.  A composite perhaps, of all the sadness I have known throughout my life's journey.

Tonight I did not participate in the evening meditation. Instead I allowed myself to assimilate the conflicting emotions of elation at receiving my bank card, and the concurrent wave of sadness that still clung to me.